well i am finally back from my hiatus of not writing and will try and update as to where i am at.
    my summer has been fraught with agony of projects unfinished and me dealing with my inability to accomplish even the simplest tasks with out any sense of order. chaos is my best friend and accompanies me everywhere. i try to find solace in the simple things but become agitated at all things mostly undone.
     i wonder if this is just a stage of my life i am going through. and wonder  how i had inner peace before at an earlier time of my life when i had less . it seemed as if i was happier and actually spent time on myself . it is hard being your own boss, as sometimes all you do is up for analysis. did i meet my quota , did i set the bar high enough. and if i was able to meet my goals i say to myself as if it was nothing, i still have more to do. at times i feel as if i am in a race to the end of my life and i have only so much time to burn. as if i actually would know when that time is and i might leave unfinished business, or perhaps no trace of me behind.  and in some respects would that be all bad. as far as the unfinished business goes , i imagine everyone leaves some baggage behind in ways . and even that , which may be things or memories will soon escape everyone's mind as time diminishes all .
    kind of depressing thoughts , but was not meant to be , but instead some thoughts i have had recently as i try to figure out why i am so brash at times. i think some people secretly call me an asshole but are not willing to admit it. pain has a way of invading your life, and this time i am talking about physical pain. i think arthritis is limiting me to an extent. mentally i think i am as sharp as i ever was, but it is the pain constant and torturing at times that makes me irritable. i am not fond of taking drugs but have found myself at the advice of my doctor now shoving 5or 6 depending on the day, down my gullet to make me even half sociable. and if you ask james the guy helping me on the greenhouse , he would say half is stretching things.
     i keep hoping for some cure to rid me of my pain , but only understand that keeping on keeping on is the only thing i can do. to just try and push on , no matter what. the end will come soon enough, but in the meantime i need to try and accomplish all i have set out to do. and to realize i am a better person than what i appear to be . and that i need to show this face more often when it comes to expressing myself.
    will write about the ducks as i have not been so lucky in this area of fowl raising. not because of sickness but because of predators. i have learned several things from the ducks this year, and one is that it isnt because they didn't try rearing large broods. in fact they were rearing every time i looked out the door or any time the female ducks would look crosswise at a male the rearing was on. broods of ducks were raised but inevitably something ate them. i loved watching the ducks and currently are down to 2 brave survivors . 2 males i provided to another friend for her pond and as potential mates to her one and only duck.
    i am pretty much a naturalist when it comes to things. try not to interfere with nature. not quite sure what the predator is yet, but think it might be a coon or a coyote. i have seen coyotes crossing in the back yard. an enclosure for the ducks with access to the water for breeding season is in order for next year.

    i have spent a good portion of my time working on reconstructing the greenhouse and it is evolving into a fine structure i can be proud of. and it wont be done soon enough. other projects are calling me and winter is coming. so much to do so little time .