a missed stroke at golfing. 

   i had always wanted to learn golfing but i guess you just have to be born into it. numerous times of hearing the golfing stories of friends and family only lent itself to my desiring to learn more and do more. i have asked those same friends and family to take me golfing and of course have received the standard reply of "grab a bucket of balls and go t the driving range". now this is all quite nice but i have hit quite a few balls and already know how to chip it where i want to and would like to move into the full game status , to just see how i could do before i am to old to even walk the course. 

    i have come to the conclusion that no one likes to take someone golfing for the first time. and this could be for a variety of reasons , and the first being , what if they are better than me? nothing could be worse than being an experienced pro or at least you thought you were and maybe it is beginners luck , but still who wants to be out done by a new hack. i have found golfers pride is hardly outdone by any other field . number two  is what if they are worse than me. as who wants to drag someone around and listen to the old farts on the fairway bitch as your friend serves up the turf and leaves divots like craters on the moon. and three being as friendship only goes so far and friends dont take friends golfing for the first time,  or family as well . 

     cant imagine how golfing ever took off in the first place as it seems there is a clique you had to be aligned with in order to ever make it around the fairways. if you are rich , i am sure it is much easier to find your way around than if you are poor. because you could hire the pro to give you lessons and i am sure he would waste not time escorting you through the holes and counting his money . 

    being neither rich nor poor but somehow stuck in the middle and considering myself frugal i have attempted to edge my way into golfing with no real success. determined to try my prowess at golf i came up with the idea of heading to the local goodwill and obtaining a golf bag and clubs so i could practice at home in my yard  in perfect seclusion to assure i wouldn't make an ass out of myself when attempting to golf for the first time. that i would have an idea of how to hold a club and how much effort to use when making the chip shot to the tee. 

      at the good will i had noticed a lot of nice clubs and golf bags which i thought may have belonged to some now deceased old bitching fart who died of a heart attack on the golf course waiting and complaining about the newbie who wouldn't let them play through and was tearing up the course. the wife who could care less about golf but only as it served her well to get his ass off the couch and actually do something  could see no reason to keep his golf bag he cherished . off it went to good will in exchange for a tax receipt which she could use now since he was gone. 

      and so it was i was admiring one complete bag of clubs in fairly good condition , pulling each club out of the bag and trying to figure out its purpose when a snot nosed little butt hole come strolling by and grabbed a club out of the very bag i was admiring and wanted to buy. he began to swing it around in the store and nearly missing his brother who apparently learned how to duck at an early age , and began telling me how his mom was going to buy that club for him. a few more practice swings encouraged me to speak my piece before witnessing a bloody aftermath of mingled goodwill junk and his brothers scalp. 

     i strictly told him to put the club back into the bag as i was going to buy all of them for one price and that club was in that bag before he even came around. his brother heaved a sigh of relief hoping he would come to his senses and realize i was twice his size at 6 foot 4 inches and weighing over 240 pounds and looking like a pro football player, i might be someone he might listen to . no frigging way as this kid again took aim at the cheap crystal on the shelf in front of him . and i could tell by the look in his eye he was on a fairway and was getting ready to drive the white ball home. 

     again i told him i was going to check out and that i needed my club back in the bag so i could pay for them all at the same time. again he said his mom was going to buy it for him . and i said i could care less what he wanted but all i gave a shit about was getting that club back in the bag. 

     never have i seen the intestinal fortitude of a butthole so adamant about refusing to give up something he knew he would never have . a mexican standoff of sorts between me and this little shithead was happening but reluctantly he relinquished control of the club and slid it back into the bag. without checking anything else out about the bag and obviously disturbed by this imps behavior i almost ran to the checkout with my new found prize. 

      thinking the whole bag of clubs was 2 dollars as it was marked on the bag i felt as if i had made a steal. instead it was 2 dollars for the bag and 2 dollars for each club., which ended up costing me over 22 dollars for all. still not bad for a complete set of clubs including the one the kid had. 

     i had been working in the cleveland area next to some businesses that at lunch time would hurl their golf balls onto my work site as it was an open field.  so i had coveted quite a few golf balls and with my new bag of golf clubs in my yard at home could hardly wait to try out my new purchase, 

     i reached into the bag and grabbed a club i thought would be good for a chip shot . a nice little wedge that looked exceptionally clean and thought i would try and chip into a cup i had placed into the ground.i firmly took the club into my hand and immediately noticed something odd about the head. it was facing the wrong direction. in fact when pulling all the clubs out of the bag all except the one i had checked out at goodwill and the one the kid had in his hand , they were all left handed clubs. i could have killed that little snot if he was in front of me at that moment. i would have stopped at nothing less than beating him severely with every left handed club in that bag so that nothing could have been found of him and and then spit on the ground to wipe up what was left of the mess. and then i smiled.  

      realizing that kid had got me in the end, and at the same time had saved me a lifetime of frustration and money pursuing a sport that i was probably never cut out to play in the first place. since i have never had kids i guess this was also a lesson to that effect. that maybe i was never cut out to be the kind of dad who would tolerate that behavior . i still dont know how to golf or to to put up with little snots who cant take no for an answer.