bigger fish to fry

          this was an apple tree that had taken over the pond on the other side of the hill . i was cleaning out the pond and it was in my road , but i did manage to salvage the log for a carving and it is still attached to the root it was carved on at the edge of the pond. as with all my carvings it needs attention something i seem to have so little time to pay to details such as this . so the list accumulates 

        a  neighbor down the street has every blade of grass waving in unison and at the correct height so his lawn shimmers  under shining sun. all his shrubs are trimmed in a precise manner, i actually think he counts the leaves on each bush \so to make sure that all his property is in balance.  . for fun he rips up his driveway and lays asphalt where the concrete used to be. he has to look for things to do around his house . i wonder just where and when did he get all this energy to do lifes bidding and more. i can hardly get one or two projects done right, let alone the multitude  of projects he attempts and he is one year younger , it is almost sickening to drive past his pl;ace and not find anything wrong. 

        one reason and a major reason he is able to be on top of things is that his place is small and he has been there forever. myself in contrast have been in and out of this area , and at no time was i the only one making decisions on the farm. this makes a big difference  as were not allowed to do this or that because of one reason or another. so we had to just go with the flow. 

      mr perfect also had a good job, while i in contrast spent more than my fair share on unemployment line as they used to call it when everyone had to report. when i was making good money , it would come in dribbles and drabs and only long enough for you to maybe see some light. i worked in construction where the norm is to be laid off at times. and when i was busy  i was working to much to  worry about farming and again i didn't have a place of my own to farm or equipment to do it. . so i was in a sort of limbo and it was during this time of living alone and working on projects was i able to slowly achieve some order to my life. 

         mr perfect had  2.2 kids and one was a female and one male and raised them, with his wife's help through graduation, and college to find them moving on to their own life. and  mr perfect began his further obsession with being perfect as he had plenty of time now that the kids were grown to become more perfect. it was a hard concept for someone who knows he is already perfect to admit defeat and say yes the bar needs to raise higher. trees were removed from the front yard. majestic beauties towering and full, partially hiding his front porch and casting shadows on his yard affecting the quality of the grass,  as grass doesn't do well in shade. his projects seemed to have urgency as he was getting older and they  needed to be finalized before he might pass away. 

         we talk on occasion , and wave on a regular basis as neighbors do. it doesn't stop me from envying his life to an extent. it was as if someone had mapped out his life . he never strayed and probably goes to church also. something i would have to do to say anything about one way or another just as i couldn't prove he goes to church. he  just seems the type. raised his kids payed his taxes , and yet i envy normal. 

  

         i don't know whether i envy him or his lifestyle of having everything fit into a plan so nice and neat. to so the same thing year after year.it is at this point i start to scare myself as i start to think about how emotional he must get when something comes up that didn't fit into the plan as it commonly does in my life. to never get a job done such as farming as it is never ending , must scare the hell out of someone that is perfect. me i just try to take it in stride. you cant tell a cow when t have a calf or let alone where. i had a calf  born in a snow storm and it had froze before the mother had it cleaned. it wasn't in my plan to have it that way, but it happened. i just dragged the calf to the side of the field and buried it . what could i do? 

      i struggle daily to find my purpose in life. i imagine mr. perfect already knows what that is. i long for more comforting times and less toil. to find times to just enjoy life and my partner in crime. hoping in the end that my life will be full . and in some ways it is already. i have spent my time in the trenches and know what the true meaning of nothing means. so to have some something makes me appreciate more. 

       i also don't know if my life was so mapped out as some are, would i be the same person i am today? and i can answer that an unequivocally no.  i would not be the same person. my path would have been a lot different as well as my experiences. i think too that one becomes sheltered and mislead when living in a cocoon all the time. that you never reach your full potential as a human being, and that adversity as bad as it is rewards us with an experience that draws us together as a family in ways not really understood or appreciated. it is same way disaster victims tend to bond together after a major tragedy. as they all have a similar story to tell and remember. 

        but day after day of relentless struggle to keep moving and pushing myself to my potential has left me drained and wanting at times for a simpler life like mr . perfect has. but it is also at these times i must search my self for a deeper meaning to life and understand , that it was never in my nature to be anything but who i am now. and if that means struggling then so be it. it still doesn't stop me from checking out his lawn for that errant swatch of grass that would give me an oh yeah type of moment where i finally realize he is like me , and maybe not so perfect after all. 

        i have tried over the last year to do my best at this greenhouse project, at times investing labor ad cash and time i can never replace to make it happen. it will tomorrow if all goes well and even if it doesn't , i will take in stride as i usually do. all i really want is a camaraderie of friends and strangers and family to come together and have a good time. to understand that i will be here and if you want something special grown out , i have the facility to make it happen. i will continue to improve  these facilities,with future plans already in place of where i want this to go. but i intend to make the open house a moment of reflection and appreciation for those i hold dearly on a yearly basis. a time to come together and have fun , and enjoy each others company. maybe learn something new. buy if want , but most all have a good time.