sometimes that is all we have

Dreams

i dream of returning here again someday 

    That period of sleep or waking thought, when your mind has a mind of its own and lets you take a trip into the sub conscious thought that supersedes all other thoughts. I was awake, or at least I rose and by the time I looked at the clock it was 5 am. I couldn’t sleep as I had this recurring dream that made me wonder why it was so important in my life. So important that no matter how many times I awoke I would return to that same person who is no longer my concern.

     Usually if I have a dream that displeases me or I find unsettling for one reason or another, I can wake up as I tell myself this is just a dream, and wake up. Then move on to the next dream. This time however, no matter how many times I went back to sleep it was as if the same person in my dream would just pick up with the same dream and go on , finally I had to get up as I just lay there wide awake.

     It wasn’t anything unpleasant instead it was more or less about moving on. As if she had moved on and was no longer alone. In a lot of ways I am glad for her if this is the case. To sit and dwell apparently like I am on something that just isn’t going to happen, will keep you awake at night, trying to figure out just what the hell that was all about. Dreams are a manifestation of whatever consumes you subconsciously and are played out in your sleep as if any of what you dream may come true.

    In ways consciously I thought I was beyond any type of thinking about this person. I mean I spend time thinking about her, but quickly dismiss any thought of her as there is nothing I can do about it. So why worry, but I guess I still do worry. Or my brain has nothing else to do but mess with me out of boredom. It’s as if since we have no present recollections or even closure on a subject, so let’s make one up . Perhaps if we are presented with this scenario then perhaps I might think of her less.

     Then at the same time I have been in love with others and have moved on with a lot less thinking of the person. And just what makes her so damn special to keep me awake at night is beyond me. It hurts to think that it is over and that we can no longer do each other any goo as it hurts more to be together as we keep bumping heads and I guess are not good for each other. This happens in toxic relationships where neither is willing to bend, so all is left is break from each other. Oh well life moves on, I must keep reminding myself.

      I need to refocus my energy in a positive way and return to my priorities. Taking care of myself and getting ready for the afterlife as I refer to it. That time when you can do much else besides sit in a rocking chair, and stare out into the great beyond waiting on a meteor to come along and land on you and turn you into a burning pile of shit as you sit there on the porch, a much more glorious way to go out then just getting old and dying. I don’t care as long as I don’t have to have someone attend to me if I can no longer do for myself. Was kind of hoping to find someone and we could share the responsibility of life. Picking up and helping out with those things that she couldn’t do so that we could live long and enjoy our company without anyone’s help. This too, is beyond my scope presently, so I must prepare myself for the worst case scenario instead of what I would like it to be.

     What I like is the thing of dreams that keep me awake at night of the way it should be, instead of the way it is. I would like to think there are plenty of days and years yet, that may offer some hope to have things the way I want. I hope that maybe it will, but hope is still a dream that hasn’t come true.  It is elusive even for the best of folks but sometimes that is all we have to keep us going.