ch.5

my winter's lament

        i never really lost her as she is out there somewhere. as with most relationships when they end , someone or both get hurt and all the memories made are soon to be forgotten. but how do you forget and move on , especially when you really care for someone like i did with leann and it  wasn't so much the fact that we may never see each other again as it was the events leading to our breakup that hurt the worse and it was immediately after our breakup that is what bothers me the most.
        i had met leann  through the internet and our relationship was a bit rocky to say the least from the start. i had wrote to her based on her profile and i liked what she had to say. she wrote back but things didn't seem to go far and then it was about a couple of weeks later she wrote again and then we had made more progress and eventually we met. i can still see her smile as she entered the restaurant where we were to meet . we had some things in common but not a lot . i remember looking into her eyes as she stared back at me wondering where this was going to take us.
      we went on more dates and eventually we became an item i don't know what it was about her that struck my fancy so hard , i know her smile was what held me spell bound for the longest time as i loved to just look at her eyes and face and wonder what it was that she was looking at and whether i could ever prove worthy enough to be with her the rest of my life. we have never had sex but instead we made love. every time i looked at her i was spell bound. i longed for her kiss and yet our time together was difficult at best. she had work and responsibilities as well i did also. days to spend together were interrupted by chores she had to accomplish before seeing me and this drove me crazy. understanding it was only her to accomplish certain things i tried to let it go , but eventually i complained because i just wanted to see her more as it seemed we were seeing each other less.
     she explained that she was having commitment issues and that she needed to deal with them . she really liked me and didn't want to string me along but she did anyhow. a renewed effort at a relationship was started again . plans were made and soon we were back at not not seeing each other again. i was beside myself wondering what was going on and still have the foggiest clue what it may have been , but i persisted in seeing her and decided  on helping her with things she needed done around her house in an effort to gain more time with her.
     i helped her install a flower bed and worked on an outside water supply pump she needed to water her garden . a friend of hers showed up on a motorcycle while we were working., i was in the garage fixing a mower she needed to use to help her mow the back yard . i watched as they talked and she walked around smiling at him and never once did she bother introducing me to him . this hurt me as if i felt i was hired help brought in to do a job , and i let my anger at being ignored seethe into a festering rage , so that by the time i left i was in a state of complete shock at being set aside and ignored.
       the next day wasn't much better as i had to return to finish the pump and it was then i confronted her about the guy. she explained him as a friend she rode with, and it was nothing more. .later after i returned home we had a fight and again broke up. i didn't talk to her for a few days and was being torn apart at wondering what i was doing wrong  and eventually she wrote to me and soon we were back together,. again things seemed well for awhile as she made more time for me and called me more often but then she and i had some bad news concerning her health.
         she was found to have a tumor growing inside her head and she needed to go to cleveland to have treatment for it. the extent and how it would affect her was not even discussed. she initially went to a doctor to have them check her hearing as she was losing her hearing in one ear. and they eventually suggested she have an mri to see what was causing the problem. as a tumor had been suggested before , after this we knew it was the problem . she had some headaches and ear noise but for the most part it wasn't bothering her to bad. the idea of her undergoing an uncertain operation to remove a tumor bothered me to say the least. i would rather it be me than her and still to this day would lie down on the operating table for her to just make the pain go away from her. initially at first she turned to me but then things become more strained with  her.
then her son   returned home to live with her.
       this ended my spending time with her alone at her house and soon i wasn't invited down very much anymore as she became more busy dealing with her problem of a tumor and her brother coming to visit . i was slowly being left behind in the dirt. time she would spend at my place was interrupted by chores she had to accomplish leaving me with less and less time  together. we would talk on the phone but i still felt as if i was losing her and this is something i really didn't want to do. i think she was at this time was taking me for granted assuming i would be there and be patient at all costs to my sanity. i never really worked that way and instead blew up again before heading to cleveland  to visit the doctor. this time i figured i had really screwed up and was feeling remorseful but again we made up and visited the doctor again.
        the operation was a major one involving a team of surgeons doing micro surgery technique where they  would enter behind the ear and work their way through the scull till they encountered the tumor and would start to remove it. the operation would last 12 hours and eventually she would lose hearing and may may have other problems due to the location of the tumor beside the ear nerve canal she was mainly worried about smiling again and i assured her that i would try and do everything possible to make her smile again even if i had to give her something to smile about.
       armed with the information of the impending operation and knowing better what she was facing after meeting with the surgeon we returned home and she prepared to get things in order. she was a strong person as she never seemed to let it bother her much or at least she was quite good at hiding it from me. her brother came to town to visit with her and numerous friends of her sons came to visit and soon i was a stranger more than ever in her life. we kept in touch over the phone and she promised as soon as her vacation started that she would spend time with me. in fact she had me planning a trip away. which i should have done in retrospect. anyhow i told her i was happy to just spend time with her at home if she liked as i figured we would have more time to do things when she was recovering. this was  major mistake on my part . if i had made plans she would not have been able to put me off like she did an shove our time together back another day. she was pushing me way again and i didn't understand why.
        i just wanted to spend time with her so badly , and it wasn't about the making love that wanted me to do it. i just so wanted to hold her in my arms and let her know everything was alright. instead i was shoved away again and then i was realizing i was no longer a priority in her life, that she was reluctant to make me anything more to her than a shoulder to lean on but only when  she wanted me. maybe she was protecting me from later issues she would have to deal with. maybe she had something else more important as she said that she had to deal with. i was beside myself and lost sleep worrying about why this was to happen as to why i was being shoved around again. i am her lover , supposedly her confidant and yet i am totally clueless why i don't matter. i lost it again and let my emotions run wild and still i am clueless as to what really happened but we broke up again and this time it was for good as she forbid me to visit her in the hospital as she didn't want to see me anymore .
      not only was i not going to see her before the operation but i wouldn't see her ever again or hear how she was doing. or anything at all would be my punishment for being her lover and friend. the day of the operation came and i was able to find out that she had made it through the operation from her son and will be eternally glad for that. but any other information was non existent. i sat and waited and made up conversations we would have had if  things were different. i kept trying to move on and forget the whole thing as i went along. it was toughest thing i have ever faced in my life. i still loved the woman to pieces------.
      and it was after i wrote that in my blog that she finally contacted me by phone after i had left numerous messages . i  was again wondering how \she  was doing as her raspy voice indicated she was willing to let me know that she was ok and that she would be out of the hospital soon. she must be trying to ease my pain or her guilt at not allowing me to be with her. i couldn't tell . as well it was hard for me to understand why this is as it is now. how she could think that i would just let her go without at least trying to find out if she  was ok. at times i think she was trying to shield me from what she must be going through as if i saw her in a reduced state that it would make her unhappy and that it would affect how i felt for her.maybe she was afraid of the nerve damage. and maybe it was her intent to make me mad so i would blow up and she could conveniently tell me to take a hike while she went through what she had to go through. not knowing what the outcome of the whole thing would be and if i would still love her afterwards if something was wrong with her .
      after all this time i still have a longing in my soul for her touch and to just hold her hands again. i have not attempted to contact her after i asked her if i could come visit her at the hospital and she said no quite convincingly. she said she would be home tomorrow and then i asked if i could come visit here there and again she said no. i left it at that.. time has a way of healing all wounds and i let her heal. i tried to do what i could and she may forever think of me as an insensitive ape. putting my needs over hes as she was about to undergo surgery and maybe i was and i will be eternally sorry.  if we could have talked  more instead of fighting and  if i had been more sensitive to her needs, would we be together.? don't know as  i was never gave another chance.
        talking to ann and lee after meeting them  parked in the farm drive , i thought it was ironic that they both shared her name and that  is part of what drew me to them .
      the worst part of loneliness is the relentless thinking time one has. time to ponder the what ifs , the where did i go wrongs , and the pointless conversations with ghosts of your past. how i long for spring as i get ready to prepare my dog a feast. she is starting to get a little funky as she gets older. at times i feel it must be arthritis , or maybe pain from somewhere else. just wish i could understand her and her me. but then i never understood women so why should dogs be an exception . oh well i must be going to hell in a hand basket.
   

10.