trip to sequoia

ch.4 cont. 

       my problem is that i spend way to much time alone to my thoughts and my mind is constantly working grinding away at this or that till i am to tired to give a damn about anything. then i go to sleep and it all starts over again as i dream about the same things i was thinking about all day long. i cant say there are to many times i have been totally free of thought. i have been looking into meditation as a way to clear all the thoughts out of my head and concentrate on nothingness.

      in this regard it would be nice to have a soundproof room as if i hear a bird chirping or a door slam my concentration will be suspended as the detective in me decides to wake up and see what is happening. i just feel if i could get to this state where i hear nothing see nothing and feel nothing maybe i could achieve some inner peace to deal with things.i tried smoking pot but it acts as a stimulus to me making me think more not less. but this escape from everyday problems is in alignment with what i am trying to achieve.  it is nice while thinking on pot to dwell on one thing or another , picking and tearing apart in ones mind that idea until i have exhausted it as a working solution to life's problem. but what is nice is that it tears my mind away from other issues i have already thought to death, giving me a reprieve of sorts if nothing else that lasts  for a little while.
     with lee and ann basically gone for the winter i have decided to try and add a japanese sun room on the south side of my cabin. the interior space will be uncluttered and sparsely furnished . or basically bare except a low comfortable chair and immense stuffed pillows to make me comfortable. i might even go with a hanging chair as being able to be suspended would ad to my relaxation. i plan on putting rolling wall panels to gain entrance to the room and floor to ceiling windows to allow the beauty of a landscaped yard to enter the room  through the windows. lee and ann will be down but not to stay overnight as their cabin will be unheated except for the fireplace. they usually bring local handmade amish items with them that i hardly eat anymore. i will eat my same stuff day after day until i get so bored eating the same thing all the time that i just grab the junk they bring me and just chow down and feel sorry later. the holidays will find them here , even though they have family to look after. i am still considered family.
      they were like the son and daughter i never had. i have had step kids who wasted no time reminding me who their mother and dad  was despite me taking care of them , and providing for them. i never asked for the position of being a parent with either of them and actually i am their senior by a few years , but they knew at times it was my encouragement that held them together and they would be forever thankful. for.
      mainly what i did for them was to give them a few pointers as to how to save their relationship . the number one thing that seemed to help was to make time for each other. and that isn't next tuesday night when she was off work and felt like it. it was when lee felt alone and needed her company , she should make time for him and her vice-a - versa . lee needed to go to her when she needed him. and if fore some reason it didn't work for one or the other to change plans then  they talked it over on the phone. they both lived a busy schedule with her office work during the day and his farming taking up a lot of time and being daylight to dark at times , it was so easy to just go on alone and not make that time for one another . but eventually when they did that , one or the other in their partners absence would begin to question why the other seemed to not care. they would break up and get back together again and it seemed at times to never  be  able to work out for them .lee one day was going on about how he was frustrated at how they never were able to see each other and remembering back to my mistakes i suggested they do as i said earlier.
     it was tough at first but after awhile they soon became convinced they wee more in love than before. as they knew their partner was there for them and had made them a priority in each others lives. not someone to shuffle around as if they were filler in the others life.  if you spend any time with a person and want it to last i feel it is necessary to do this to make it happen.
      lonely i am and hardly a good relationship adviser but it still hurt to watch lee and ann head out the drive and head home as the days between their visits would be longer till spring.i have my projects , my dog babe , my boat i will have in water till it freezes and i have the internet , and my writing to keep me company till the spring fever hits lee and ann  and they start on their trip out west. it will be time to move on again.