4G just isn't what it is supposed to be

Camel Toe Joe Returns

       Well since my internet has went from bad to worse I have had to contact good old T-Mobile again as it has been over five days since I have had 4G service, and now have to wait for another 3 days before complaining again. I was told by the crack staff at T-Mobile that I am not alone in my misery and that others have called and complained. Prompting Camel Joe to make a regular work schedule out of this at their cell tower just over the hill as once again we pick up on Joe’s day as he stops at Punjabs 7-11 and grabs a super 7 -11 quart of hot coffee with 23 sugars and 3 cream and buys himself 4 packs of camel non filters and 5 super lotto tickets. He slides a fifty dollar bill across the counter and pockets the dollar in change as Punjab gathers up Joe’s bounty and deposits it in a cheap plastic bag. Camel Joe grabs the bag and heads out the door.

    He tosses the bag in his trash littered seat among the empty Egg Mc Muffin paper wrappers and sleeves off hash browns grease stained and crumbled alongside the retonator. An integral piece of electronic equipment designed to boost your wireless signal from 2G to 4G. Joe reached over and patted the retonator as he knew that as long as he didn’t replace the one on the tower then Mr. Kevin L. Davis almighty one would be without 4G service.

     Having tried the pipe wrench trick the other day only yielded 4G service for the fraction of time that Joe had been at the tower working and only in the local area of the tower , the retonator was going bad and Joe had no idea that was the problem till he returned home and found another message on his phone where another person was without 4G service in the same area as the tower and that they had complained also after Mr. Kevin L. Davis almighty one had lodged his complaint.

     Well Joe thought you just can’t replace a retonator in one day. Although it is a pull and plug component , it takes time to sort out the problem as Joe started his Chevy pickup truck and swung into traffic and headed south to the tower. Joe had intentions of making this a week long work ticket. Plenty of time to watch porn movies, sleep and just generally do some target practice as he sorts out the problems at the tower. Retonators are expensive and you just don’t replace one without checking out everything else Joe thought to his advantage.

      Joe wheeled in the access drive unlocked the gate, and soon pulled the long hill in 4wheel drive as pulled up alongside the tower. He reached under his belly flab and found his keys and pulled on the chain and unlocked the gate, then the door, and opened the cell tower control room. He returned to his pickup and grabbed the retonator a couple of packs of cigarettes his 45, his Mr. Big cup of coffee and his laptop and returned to the control room locking the door behind him. He reached behind the fire extinguisher and grabbed his pint bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a couple of shots worth of Jack down the throat of his Mr. Big cup coffee and tasted it. A little weak he thought as he slid some more in and hid the bottle behind the fire extinguisher again.

      Joe hooked his laptop up to the diagnostic panel and did a quick trouble shooting check of the panel and it returned the same error code. Faulty retonator on 4G module.  Joe figured he would have to replace it today since he had been milking this job for four days now. His mighty boss had called and complained that they were giving out free passes to Mr. Kevin L. Davis Almighty and others as he keeps calling in and complaining that indeed it has been over 72 hours and his service had not yet been restored. These things take time Joe thought as he sucked on his Mr.  Big cup and lit up a filter less Camel coughed at the thought of the harsh smoke obscuring his black lungs as if it was possible. Joe would replace the damn retonator today although he kinda liked hanging out up here on this hill. Besides if he fixed this tower then someone else would have something they needed fixed or some kind of maintenance to do somewhere else.  Someone is always complaining about something somewhere.

      This tower was close to home and Joe kinda liked that. He knew where all the State Highway Patrol hung out and he would be on his best behavior heading home. Getting busted for OMVI was bad enough but having a weapon loaded and under the seat, might buy him some time in the county hotel. Oh well Joe thought. That thankless bitch he calls his wife would surely understand the reason then, that he has no money for her to blow after that. The kids are gone and it is just Joe and her. He thought the household expenses would go down but every time he turns around she is hitting him up for more money. There are only so many retonators to replace so she needs to mind her pennies Joe thought. Pennies make nickels, nickels make dimes, and dimes make dollars, as Joe’s grandma used to say. Joe remembered as he sat back in his chair ad swigged on his Mr. Big coffee cup and continued the phrase out loud as if he was talking to himself, and dollars buys Jack as he swigged on the extra sweet coffee and tugged with his lips on the Camel hanging out of his mouth, and almost laughingly choking on the sweet absurdity of what he was doing now .  

      Joe grabbed his wireless mouse and made pointed gestures at the corner of his laptop screen and started watching porn movies as he finished his coffee. He grabbed his 45 and headed out the door and began firing rounds at the birds and whatever else wandered within his area as he shot a box of shells threw it. At times acting like a fast shooting cowboy as he would quick draw from  his make believe holster casually pulling the gun up to his lips and blowing on the barrel as if to cool it off afterwards. after nearly doing a Barney Phyfe and nearly shooting a hole in his foot , Joe decided that maybe that was enough gun practice for the day and slid the gun back under the seat of his truck. Damn Joe thought to himself as he looked at his cell phone, it was nearly 10 o’clock and he needed to get that retonator up there by noon if he was ever going to get done today.

     Joe staggered to the back of his truck as he was starting to feel the effects of the Jack in the Mr. Big cup of coffee. The buzz was kind of overpowering and he knew he shouldn’t climb, but oh well Mr. Kevin L. Davis almighty needs his damn internet fixed, and that retonator is not going to get up there by itself, Joe thought. Too bad they don’t have those damn drones yet available to fix things like this as Joe could suddenly imagine himself sitting in the seat of his truck swigging on his Mr. Big cup loaded with Jack as he work the wireless controls of the drone safely on the ground as he spied the sides of the tower looking for where the retonator is supposed to go. Up, up it would go higher on the tower as it carried the part skyward with a lot less ease than what Joe could do especially when he was half tanked.

    Sorry Joe thought, no drone yet so he grabbed his life line and his tool belt, unstrapped his ladder and headed for the base of the tower. Joe sat the ladder up and made sure it was steady and then looked around as he did a mental check of what he needed to replace the retonator. He forgot his pipe wrench and so he returned to his truck and opened the cap of his truck and scrounged around under some tools and found a smaller version of the pipe wrench he carried to the top of the tower the other day. This should be good enough to replace the retonator thought Joe as he headed back to the control room and picked up the new retonator and headed again for the base of the tower. He checked his coveralls and assured he had his flask and a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He shoved the palm size round retonator into his pocket and proceeded to start climbing. At about the twenty foot level he entered the man cage and hooked in his safety line.

     Only 275 more feet straight up Joe thought, to get to the level where the old retonator was and needed to be replaced. He was already winded and grunted with each step up he took as if he was nearing the top and yet he was only just getting started due to the effects of the alcohol and cigarettes. Joe would labor up and stop every fifty feet or so and grab a Camel out of his cigarette pack and puff on it as he leaned back to support himself against the steel bars of the man cage . He would survey the countryside on this clear day looking for any game he might shoot when he returned to the ground. He could see nothing as he certainly scared everything off with his target shooting earlier. Even the field mice had scattered when he almost Barney Phyfe’d himself. Joe laughingly thought about how close the shot came to his foot and blew a hole in the ground.

     Oh well shit happens joe thought to himself as he gathered up the strength somewhere in his obese body drawing on his fat reserves to get the energy to go on higher into the tower. Soon he could see the old retonator nestled in the side of the tower as he climbed closer to the top of the tower and out of the man cage and precariously perched on just steel rungs as the tower swayed in the wind that only exists up here at these heights. Joe was on edge now choosing not to look out but to focus on what he was doing. Looking out is ok at these heights but looking down is another thing. Joe found where the retonator was and could see the weather and being out in the elements had did a number to the old retonator. That and electrical flow had anodized the retonator and fused it into the slot making extracting the old one a bit hairy at these heights. Joe thought to himself. It is one thing to hold on but another to actually hold on and work hand tools at the same time. Never the less it needed a pipe wrench Joe thought as he struggled to find the small one he had had on his tool belt under a fold of fat. Joe fumbled around with one hand and soon found the pipe wrench and soon found the warmth of his body had heated the handle where his body had transferred the warmth into the cold steel, this was somewhat comforting to Joe as there is  nothing worse than freezing hands at this height.

     So Joe now with the pipe wrench in one hand grasping the tower in the other reaches behind his head and smacks the retonator while it is in its socket too loosen the rust Joe thought. Indeed it did loosen it a bit but not enough to pull it out by hand . Besides it was a twist lock mechanism meaning that once you loosened it you still had to turn it to remove the retonator. So Joe adjusted the opening of the pipe wrench around the round retonmator to where he could grip the sides of the cylindrical device and then he spun it with one hand and soon it was free. And slid out of the jaws of the pipe wrench before joe could retrieve it as if gravity sucked it back to the center of the earth. It dropped banging off the metal framework and hitting the top of the control room 250 feet below with a loud metal bang as if someone had shot the roof. Wow Joe thought that could easily be me. As he looked down and became a little uneasy.

      Joe caught himself thinking about what it would be like to fall off a tower like this and then shuddered a cold tremble through his bones as he double checked his safety line to assure he was tied in. He fumbled through his pocket and found the new retonator and installed it in the receptacle and it was a snug fit assuring the new o-rings would seal it against the weather. Joe then descended to the man cage where he could lean back against the back support and rest a few seconds before doing the diagnostics. His heart was beating hard and seemed as if was going to blow out of his chest and soon he had calmed enough to grab a cigarette and his cell phone and lit the cigarette as he punched at the face of his smart phone dialing up the diagnostics of the tower at a pre- specified set aside number, clearly seeing that Mr. Kevin L. Davis Almighty had indeed a full 4G signal now that the new retonator was in place.

      Before Joe returned his smart phone to his pocket he decided to take a selfie to send to his new online girlfriend he had never met in person. He climbs back up to the opening of the man cage and does a reverse selfie as if showing him in midair high above the tree tops with blue skies and puffy clouds in the background. Surely this should impress her Joe thought to himself. He pocketed the smart phone and climbed down a couple of rungs and then found his flask and took a couple of nips off the flask feeling the warmth rekindle the hyper buzz of nerves riding high on adrenaline from being constantly scared. The alcohol tended to relax him somewhat and soon he felt comfortable up there looking out enjoying himself somewhat till he felt the need to return to earth and he started descending as his job done.

    Soon he was back on the ground and loading his ladder throwing his tool belt and pipe wrench in the back of the cap on his pickup and then heading into the control room where his laptop and office chair awaited him, as well what was left of his quart size Mr. Big coffee cup . He added some more Jack from the bottle behind the fire extinguisher to what was left in his coffee cup thinning out its contents even more with the mind numbing substance within. He sat down in his chair and ran the diagnostics on the tower and could see he had a real good 4G signal even from remote locations he could ping off of. He switched the laptop over from diagnostics to Google chrome and checked out his Facebook account then went to his email and sent the selfie to his girlfriend he had earlier taken.

     They were Skypeing within minutes as he would talk to her as she was in states of undress. Her bulbous butt would bounce in and out of pictures as she would as she would say make herself comfortable beyond the camera lens causing Joe to get excited at each dress change as he could only imagine what was going on beyond his vison. They talked the rest of the afternoon causing Joe to take a liquid lunch as he finished up the pint of Jack and at one time excusing himself to take a leak. He walked outside and pissed on the chain-link fence to mark his territory and then flinging the now empty pint bottle over the hill. He returned inside to Kandy patiently waiting on him as they continued their talk as both now ragged on each other’s spouse. Soon it was quitting time and Joe dragged his now drunken body to his Chevy pickup and climbed in after locking up the tower and retrieving his laptop. Down over the hill he went, sled riding in the old Chevy till he came to the access gate.

     Joe locked the gate and  he sat there waiting for traffic to pass when he spied a State Highway Patrol cruiser coming at him from down the road going in his direction. Hell he thought. It isn’t a good day to spend in jail so Joe went he opposite direction and turned on the first side street taking himself far out of view of the patrol. At this he thought to himself, well I hope you are happy now Mr. Kevin L. Davis Almighty, now I will be late for supper and the wife will bitch at me again and ask for more money. Some days you just can’t win, well maybe today he thought , I know I have some winning numbers.