All is Forgiven
(cont.)
pic of babe carrying one of her hunks wood rolled in snow from around the time of when this story was all about. i found this pic and had to include it
I did look back at
email and in there for the 12th of April I found an email from my sister regarding
my at the time a pending trip to New York State to see an old girlfriend I had
fallen for . I was taking Orphy with me the one in the bag , to new York state
to give to Sharon an old girlfriend who I was very much seeing at the time so
wasn’t the source of inspiration to write a title such as the one I was
proposing. Anyhow Charlie wrote this ‘This morn
we was awoke to dogs a barking. Low and behold Orphy had come to say good
bye to Cecil. Orphy is on his way to New York in search of Fame and
Fortune. After a little small talk and looking over the herd. Orphy
was on his way. Cecil just thru his hands in the air and said
"you'll be back". this was wrote back to me.’
Also on the 9th itself I
received an email from another carver who was going to carve at the log cabin
festival at east Sparta where I was also going to carve before heading to New
York State. All of this was inconsequential to the title but it still gave me
clues as to where my head was at when I wrote the title.
Mom sherry and I were visiting the Habitat for
Humanity store on North Cleveland Ave., where I took Sherry and Mom as Mom
likes to look through the store and see what is there. We always need more
stuff. Not that we will ever use it. It is just that we have a reputation to
uphold and Habitat provides us with the tools to enable us, by showing us all
the stuff we don’t have. We’re pretty selective though, mind you about the
stuff we bring home with full intentions of using but usually ends up being
stashed somewhere along with all our other stuff we had to have. After some stuff
hunting we pulled out on to Cleveland Avenue south and Sherry mentioned that my
real dad was buried at the cemetery opposite of the Habitat store , and I asked
her where the grave as and she said she would show me. She had found it before
and told me about it and I thought it was in another graveyard back up the
road.
Yes you would think I would know where
my real dads grave was, well that is where the forgiving part comes in. I did
not have very fond memories of this man as he wasn’t much of a dad to me , and
at times I have used him as guidepost to see how truly screwed up I was . Basing
my real life against his from what I could remember of him, one thing I did remember and that was the
constant beatings and abuse at his hands directed mainly towards my mom who was
trying her best to just raise us kids and keep food on the table let alone deal
with a useless drunk. As fodder for more stories I can relive in print what
this man did to my mom in terms of threatening her, and the beatings she took
in front of us kids. If you are ever in a hostile affair with a wife or husband
who chooses to settle their disputes regardless who is around and resorts to
physical violence in front of kids, be well reminded that kids like elephants
never forget and I will be the first to tell you about it.
Anyhow he had no choice but to leave as he
was being chased by the sheriff and at the time was being forced to pay meager
support of which he lived up to his words and never provided mom even with a
dime to support in the early sixties, and mom was left without much in the way
of help from welfare as there is today. Mom milked cows by hand and set the milk
out in milk cans and we had a garden and mom canned a lot and we got by with a
lot of help from my grandparents. I can remember eating cream of tomatoes a lot,
as that was one thing we had a lot of. It was tough for mom but better than
being with that man.
To make a long story short Sherry showed
me the grave. I always thought it was ironic that he would choose to be buried
in Canton, Ohio and when he died I was made aware of it but choose to stand on my
mom’s side and never went to the funeral or to visit him before he went. At times I felt I needed to visit his grave
but wasn’t quite sure where it was so postponed that until this dreary day when
Sherry showed me his grave. As I stood there over his grave I really felt
nothing for a man that I saw beat on my mom. No hatred just thankful he had
moved on. But in some way I had come to terms with him , knowing that even
though I had a piece of him in my body, my mind was clear enough to never let
myself get as bad as he was. I had quit drinking when I saw myself becoming a
lot like him, and I had the presence of mind to get out of a failed marriage
when it started to affect my step kids as they were innocent.
Maybe it is that because of who he is, I am
who I am, in spite of all that happened. I am better off. My life isn’t perfect
but it makes me content at times and allows me options to make it better. He
had few options and a life of loneliness and sometimes it is that I fear the
most at times even though I know I have friends and family.
In spite of all that I also know I am
responsible for my own actions and though his life has been a yardstick to
which I measure mine , I know I have to be better than all that and forgive him
and I have. He is no longer a part of my life yet he may haunt my memory at
times. I still know in my heart I have touched other people’s lives with a lot
more kindness than this man ever thought of. Part of it was the fact he was a drunk.
But when you are never sober, or fear being sober that you allow yourself to be
alienated by family and friends , as he
did , and to lose all that you hold dear, because you just don’t care
about anything but drinking how can you ever expect anyone to ever give a damn
about you.
I cared enough to say goodbye that day in
my own way as I stood there looking down at his grave. I finally showed him all
the respect he deserved; too bad he wasn’t alive to appreciate it. But it was
the life he chose. Having a choice to make is always good, making the right
ones is always the hard part. Some of his cost him dearly.
And it is to this conclusion I have come
about the title and what it meant to me. Why I never finished I am not sure. What
was really interesting to me were the clues I left behind to stimulate my
memory and a lot has to do with new technology. Had I just wrote it on a piece
of paper chances are this story would never have been told. Had I found the
paper I still would have been clueless about what it meant. I have never forgotten
the man but have tried to forget what he looks like and all the good times we
had were far out shadowed by the bad, so I have no fond memories of him, he
will be always a part of me but hopefully the part he should have been, the
good side, if he ever had one. If not I will strive to do what he never seemed
to be able to , and that is hold my head high and accept my limitations and
always strive to be a better person. And in the end that is what this life is
all about. That and trying to make it another day as life moves on.
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