not a bit good.

Well One Resolution Gone to Bust

    And for some stupid reason which I never understand, and as I have done before, is to resolve to write every day in my blog and after the first day I received some information that made me pause and stutter in my writing duties so quickly. It wasn’t bad news but instead information I needed to digest before proceeding along life’s path. Not wanting to say or do the wrong thing but instead find a way to reach out and help someone in need. Still haven’t found that way to help them. Or even know if I should try.

       Instead I just reflected on the time we spent together and what it meant to me. It meant a lot and it is with remorse that I don’t know what to do and figure time will tell me the answer. So that is why there is a delay in writing and frankly I am struggling to come up with topics besides my past dreams to write about.

     I could write about my sexual exploits and how in my drunken days I cavorted around with wild women and did strange drugs , and generally made an ass out of myself and at times not much different than today but you as a reader don’t really want to hear about that. Course when I tell you about my tragedies it does have the highest reading rates. Self-deprecating humor based on agonizing reappraisal of ones self. Well it may be good reading for all of you but tends to leave me a little depressed at times. Thinking of all those good years wasted.

     Another topic might be how I feel. But what I feel is nothing compared to some of stuff others have been through. My grandma when asked how she was doing would always answer, “Not a bit good”, and in fact if she didn’t answer that way I always figured there was something wrong with her as for the last 40 years of her 94 years she lived, she never had a good day. She had plenty but she never let on as everyday was a struggle for her and she never saw the positive in so much, but was always quick to point out the negative.

    Being a recession child and seeing hard times in Monroe County, Ohio, she had it bad and never forgot a thing only until Alzheimer’s had fogged her brain and truly made the last four years of her life “not a bit good”.  In her pre –Alzheimer days she could pick up the Times Reporter newspaper and show me a headline almost daily where another factory closed and was laying off people, she would show it to me as proof that we were in peril. While on the same front page information about a larger company hiring more people than the one laying off would also appear but she would focus on the bad news. It was always if the depression was looming in the background and the bottom was going to fall out.

    You can always find bad news if you are looking for it and as you get older you can always find something that hurts  or doesn’t work as good as it used to. But like autos , when they are new they smell good and run good but put some miles on them and things start going wrong under the hood. Too bad we can’t trade our bodies in and get new ones. Instead we have to live with what we were gave and hope for the best, and try to avoid the worse. This is life.

     Well today we find the farm coated with a fresh snow and during the night which seems to be all the time now, buddy , moms dog, and babe and I made a winter trip to the greenhouse to fuel the wood burner and those cold winds a howling almost took my breath away . I am thankful that I am still able to make the trip but in retrospect and planning decided that next time I buy a greenhouse to attach it to the side of my house if and when I ever do that again. But then like grandma it is adversity or the trek through life that makes us stronger if only in our minds. I have made it through that train wreck, so I can survive anything. You can and you will as long as you keep thinking that way.