Ch.27
A Blast from the Past
I rummaged through the boxes I had brought
with me from the farm and thought I was getting closer to what I was looking
for. A box of Leanne’s stuff I had put
away in the hopes that someday I might be able to return it to her. Why I kept it,
I had no idea, as if I should care whether she had her stuff back after this
long. Three years since I have heard from her and just as I am about to move on
I receive a text message saying she wants her stuff along with the bike she had
bought and brought to our house so we could use together, when she was here. A
simple text message and suddenly all my life has changed. All I could say was anytime
her son wanted to come pick it up was fine with me.
She did say hi after three years, but not
much more about how she was doing or a damn thing. I was running through a
range of emotions as I read the text. I am surprised she still had my number
let alone contacted me. I can still remember the last thing I asked her soon
after she went through the surgery, and that was if I could come visit her ,
and her answer was a resounding no, which still echoes through my mind like
someone burning a red hot poker through my skull. She may have come through the
surgery ok but somewhere in the process ended up messing with my mind forever
screwing with my thoughts as she would twist that poker side to side deepening
the hole which I eventually sank into to. The chasm left was just beginning to
scab over and then this.
Give me my stuff is all it said and her
son would come and pick it up and then maybe we can be done with all this
misery. As if it works that way. Hell I tried to give it back to her right
after we broke up and she said she didn’t want it. I was going to bring it to
her anyway then I changed my mind as I cared too much for her and really didn’t
know if seeing her that time was the right thing to do. Hoping instead that the
couple of days before the surgery may give her time to reconsider all that went
on. I was stupid as I continue to beat myself up over that one. Then I said I would give her money for it and
I never did that as I only wanted her to have the money and had no idea whether
she was capable of anything including opening her mail after the surgery. And
in the end I really just wanted her to have her stuff anyhow. If it was money
she needed all she ever had to do was ask and I would have gave her all I had,
Yet still find a way to get her more. I sent her brothers camera case to her
but didn’t have her address so I really couldn’t send her the money anyway if
that was all she was worried about. I
would have asked her son about the address, but he decided to break off communications
with me, so I just waited. And now today as I get ready to leave on the trip we
were supposed to take together and as if as on cue she reappears as a text
message to rehash all those memories in my mind.
The bike was no problem as I probably put
a hundred miles on it as I moved it back and forth and around the farm and
finally bringing it down here and hanging it on the wall. Knowing I could never
get rid of it and now I finally have my chance.
Yet I am reluctant to see it go as I know we will have nothing that
binds us anymore. This also means everything will go that she gave me as I
really don’t need anything to remind me of her as she has been on my mind all
the time. Why I couldn’t get over this one woman I will never know.
I have tried repeatedly and then I would
see an old pic and look at her face and always wonder if she ever felt the same
way about me still. The feelings would
grow again inside of me. I tried recording my thoughts and writing them in a
book form hoping that maybe somehow in black and white I could read between the
lines and find the hidden answer as to why I couldn’t forget her. Then when Lee and Ann came into my life soon
after we broke up, it was more than ironic their names made up my last
girlfriend’s whole name, Leann. It seemed as if someone was in charge of my
life and that fate and destiny collided to make all this happen. Just hearing
their names and seeing them so happy when all I am at the best is miserable
since she we broke up, leaves me envious of their relationship and wondering
where I went wrong.
Don’t know , I just poured my feelings
out in this book and kept meticulous records of all that had went on in last couple
of years analyzing my every move and in the end what for? A text message telling me nothing, but saying everything.
After I said her son could come and pick up her stuff I considered very
carefully what I was to say to her, and in the end I said quite simply he could
pick it up ‘anytime’. Then I said ‘guess
you are ok’. And to which I have never received a reply. Maybe I can find out
more when he comes and picks up the stuff or not, however the case may be. I
won’t pry.
I slept little last night opting instead
to edit my book until the early hours of morning and then rising with the birds
and pouring my heart out in this book , as if it would make a damn bit of
difference. Sometimes I doubt if she will ever read it. If she does then what
would she think? I originally started the book knowing she read my blog
regularly and she would comment on what I would write on occasion. After
starting my online novel on my blog, I
haven’t heard a word from her until yesterday. Maybe she cares, and then again,
maybe she is more than over me and I wish her the best if that is the case. I
don’t know and I guess that is where I am at. I am trying damn hard to not have
any expectations about anything.
A few more days of waiting on our trip
to the Sequoias with Ann and Lee will have to be, as I wait for Leann and her
son to make the connection and I can finally be done with everything about this,
if it is meant to be. Unfinished business is the worst thing one can have hanging
in their mind. When Shakespeare wrote the lines ‘to be or not to be’ , I doubt he was writing of failed relationships . But those words seem appropriate now. It is going
to be the end of the beginning of our relationship or the beginning of the end of
a new life for me as I finally move on, one way or another.
I finally find the box and move babe out
of the garage floor and out of my way as I take the bike off the wall and gather up the
wheel barrow she left for me to fix and never picked up. I also found her clothes
she left as well as the DVD player she brought to me. All of it must go now as
I prepare for him to pick it up.
I have no intention of asking her son
anything about her only hoping he offers some information as to how she is doing, as that is mainly
what I care about. I just want her to be well and maybe I hope that when she
had that operation and that the surgeon slipped and took out that part of her
mind where she used to care about me and that I no longer haunt her memories. I
just wish he would work on mine sometimes so I wouldn’t feel anything.
At times I am beside myself and I just wish
this was all over and that I was finally climbing in the seat of the Road Warrior
and heading off into the sunset. Instead I will try and be pleasant and to the
point and respect her son as I hope he will respect me and that I can put this bit of unpleasant
business behind me. Just knowing life moves on, with or without me.
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