Ch.27 (cont.)
Well
the next day found me exchanging texts again as things heated up for the return
of her things. At first it was supposed to be put off till later in the week,
but I couldn't wait and put myself through the agony of waiting for the end, to
come but instead decided to face it head on. If defeat is my only option then I
want to stare it head on ,right in the yes and not back down a bit. Maybe it
was just in my mind that she was putting
it off, as if she had made a hasty decision about getting her things back, and
maybe by waiting she might see things clearer. I don’t know, as I don’t know
anything about why it has come to this point in the first place. I just knew we
had to move on. We both have to for good or bad the wheels were already set in
motion and I needed to grease them.
I offered to bring her stuff to her
place and place them at the end of her drive, and this was a no go as she
texted me back saying it wouldn't work. I thought since she was having her son come
to my place I would just make it easy for him and just get it over with. I wouldn't
step foot on her land and she could call the police if she thought I was going
to do anything besides what I said I will. Anyhow that didn’t work so I texted
her back and said I will bring it to the Mc. Donald’s around the corner from
her house, and that her son could meet me there and she texted me back and said
that it wasn't necessary for me to make the trip. Frustrated I texted her back
and said, ‘Wow! you always seem to have to have it your way.’ I couldn't even
break up with her right. I told her I needed closure as it had been awhile
since I heard from her. Then I told her in a text that if maybe next time she
called me it would be because she needed me and not because she needed her
things. And that I was just a phone call away if she ever needed anything.
She finally agreed to that. After all it
was her things she was trying to get back. As for myself I left nothing at her place as I
was never allowed to ever make myself to much at home there. Can’t say she
really never tried to make me feel comfortable but we had never had a chance to
build up the trust one needs in a relationship to sustain each other when not
around each other. I just always felt like a stranger preferring instead that
she come visit me. I helped her do things around her place. But never spent a whole
night there in all the time I was with her as I never felt comfortable. I also
had cattle and other responsibilities on the farm, and needed to be home also. I
wanted to so much to spend my time with her, but instead our relationship fizzled before we could work that
part out .
I just wanted a regular life with someone
who cared about me as much as she cared about me. I felt I had found it in her
and just wanted so much to make it happen and it didn't. So we are now at this
point in our life where I would see a
young couple exchanging hugs and kisses with their children as they exchanged
them in a Mc Donald’s parking lot, then the parents would give tense farewells
to each other and set off in different directions , one with the freedom of the
weekend and the other saddled with explaining why daddy can’t be around so much
anymore . Now I am in my so called golden years and now I am exchanging her
things with her son as I can’t be with her in my retirement years. The irony is
too much. Seems like I got Mc Screwed
somewhere along the line and it wasn’t such an experience, as one might think it
is. One that will make me hesitate before ever starting into a relationship
again. I am gun shy at best.
Anyhow I gathered all her stuff up and
headed cross state and then texted her when I arrived in the parking lot of Mc Donalds
and received an ok that she had received my text. Ok , just wish it was ok , if
it was ok then I would drive the block or so to her place, get out and run not
walk to her , and put my arms around her
and hug her and kiss her and make all this
nonsense go away . To think the last words I will ever hear from he is ok. Wow. I just wish it was all ok.
I kept my composure and greeted her son
and we exchanged her stuff and I said to tell her I cared a lot about her and I
was sorry to put him through all this but I just wanted it over with, and If she ever needed anything to give me a call.
He said he understood. I imagine he
understands better than I know having seen both sides. I told him goodbye or at
least I thought I did as I kept everything brief and jumped in the Hummer and
was out of the parking lot before he even caught a glimpse of my taillights. I so
much wanted to ask questions about how she was and what she was like after the
operation but I refused to allow myself to pry into that area and put him in
the middle more than I already have. As if this information would make this any
better or worse or change anything. I was going to grab a bite to eat as I had not
eaten all day but instead opted to drive and get out of town as fast as I could.
Hoping my memories of her wouldn’t chase me but they did and still do as I write
this all down for my book.
A book that someday I hope will make enough
money that I can send her enough to get by on the rest of her life without me
there. That is why I am writing in the first place. She motivated me as I she
thought I wouldn’t be able to sustain writing more than a page a day about
anything and said so to that effect. I would like to think I proved her wrong and
hope that I can someday repay her negativity with proof that when faced with a challenge
I not only rise to meet the challenge I succeed in finding the solutions necessary
to make it a non-event in my life. I always wanted writing to be a part of my
life and this book will serve to prove it happened. Her saying I would never achieve it, only
served to spur me on. In this way since she was responsible, it seemed only
fitting she should benefit from it also.
Leann may never believe that it was very
smart of me to tell the world of our misfortunes, but I would have to beg to differ.
It has helped me move on with my life and at the same time she will understand
just what I really felt for her as she too can read our story. How many guys
write a book fort their loved ones? Come on. How much more of a romantic can I be?
I don’t like airing my dirty laundry in public but in reality I’m not. The words
I place on paper are myself talking to me, telling me where I went wrong. One sided
as it may be, but then again it is a tale of losing love and having a dream,
the reader only has one side to the story ,as there is only one author to tell
the story. If she had wrote it with me I wouldn’t have a story and I would be happy.
Don’t think that is going to happen anytime soon. . So I will head back to Stockport
and now I will ready myself for a new chapter in my life. One where I go alone
and accept what life has to offer. Lee and Ann are offering a chance at closure
and realization of a dream . I guess it is only fitting I take them up on it
and help them help me.
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